Newt Gingrich Says He'll Be President "If the American people say I have to be"




Newt Gingrich has always been a man with a plan, whether as a high school student planning to marry Miss Battley, his geometry teacher (which he did—she’s the one he later dumped while she was recovering from cancer), or as a college student plotting new ways to get deferments to avoid Vietnam, or as the architect of the Contract With America. Of course, that one ended rather badly for him in the Republican debacle of 1998, when he lost the Speakership and went home to reinvent himself and dump his second wife, Marianne.

Now Newt’s back, with a plan to become president almost by magic. Here’s what he told Fortune magazine:

"I am not 'running' for president. I am seeking to create a movement to win the future by offering a series of solutions so compelling that if the American people say I have to be president, it will happen."


Wow, I’m picturing David Blaine, only chubbier, older and even more full of himself. So…if he’s not running, but he’s waiting for a sign that Americans want him to be president, what do we do, text message in our votes, like on American Idol, or something?

If only. Just to hedge his bets, Newt’s all over Iowa and New Hampshire, and he’s creating a 527 group that he hopes will be a campaign cash cow, should he ever deign to campaign. He is a guy with big ideas. He’s also a guy with a big past—and not just the three marriages. (You can read much more about Newt in Naked Republicans, a Full Frontal Exposure of Right-Wing Hypocrisy and Greed.) We can’t forget the ethics issues, the creation of the sleazy, bullying Republican revolving-door lobbyist system now known as the K street project, the ill-fated, pouty government shutdown in a battle with Bill Clinton that he lost, just to name a few.

And speaking of pouty, who can forget that Gingrich is the co-author of many books, including this passage in “1945:”

Suddenly the pouting sex kitten gave way to Diana the Huntress. She rolled onto to him and somehow was sitting athwart his chest, her knees pinning his shoulders. 'Tell me, or I will make you do terrible things,' she hissed.'

Like writing really bad historical novels, presumably. Come to think of it, he writes historical fiction, and he’s trying to fictionalize his history.

The mainstream media have short attention spans and even shorter memories, so Newt will get more than his share of uncritical free media as he launches his magical mystery tour.
When he launches is 527 for example, he’ll be all over television, no doubt.

Like the new Nixon in 1968, he’s trying to be the new Newt, but the old Newt can’t be shaken off as easily as an ex-wife.

OJ Auditions for the Bush Administration

Fox schedules a Very Special OJ--See the Show, Read the Book


Like most people, when I first heard the news that OJ was back, yet again, I couldn't help but cover my ears to muffle the painful sound of the bottom of the barrel being scraped. But it shouldn't have been a surprise. After all, OJ has proven for more than ten years that he literally has no shame, and as for his publisher and no doubt hard-hitting interviewer in the TV special, Judith Regan, well, she did have an affair with Bernard Kerik, so what does that tell you about her judgment?

Then it dawned on me that he's just auditioning for a gig in the Bush administration.

As we know, being a criminal is no barrier to entry in the Republican party. Roughing up a woman won't necessarily cost you your job either, although Don Sherwood learned in Pennsylvania that even if your party supports you with money and a Presidential campaign stop, the voters may not forgive you (or believe your claim that you're merely a cheater, not a beater).

We've also seen that like many Republicans, OJ will do anything for money, and will blithely ignore a court ruling that doesn't suit him (like, paying the 33 million dollar judgment in the civil case he lost to the Goldman and Brown families). And now, with a couple of blocks thrown by the News Corps., he's showing Republicans with pending law enforcement issues just how to dart and weave through the legal minefield, dodging responsibility while still cashing in. He's a role model for all of them.

"If I Did it, Here's How it Happened" is the perfect construct for almost anybody in the administration. Take Dick Cheney. "If I did let my buddies in the energy industry write our energy policy, here's how it happened," he might say. Or, "If I did insist on using torture tactics on prisoners, Here's How it Happened."

You get the picture. The possibilities are endless. Katherine Harris on "If I did suppress thousands of votes in the 2000 election, Here's How it Happened." Condi Rice: "If I did say no one could have anticipated that terrorists would hijack planes and use them as weapons against us, Here's how it happened."

For the president, the list might begin with, "If I did say no strings were pulled for me to stay out of Vietnam, Here's how it happened," and end (so far) with "If I did say Rumsfeld would stay until 2008, Here's How it Happened."

I've always thought OJ was a Republican. Now I'm sure.


Have you checked out Naked Republicans, A Full-Frontal Exposure of Right-Wing Hypocrisy and Greed yet? It'll make your Holiday season so much more fun.

No Sex Please, We’re Single
What Every Twenty-Something Should Know



If you have one chance to convince an independent or a Republican to vote Democratic this year, I’d like to suggest the following:


The Bush administration would like to spend your taxpayer dollars on convincing unmarried men and women not to have sex before age 30.

Yes, Abstinence Only—it’s not just for teens anymore. The Department of Health and Human Services, which administers the 50 million dollar program, has issued new guidelines telling the states that they can get funding to teach abstinence to anybody up to age 29.

The party that covered up Mark Foley’s stalking of teenagers, and the president who campaigned for a Congressman who admitted an affair with a 29 year old woman, would like to ask all you singles out there to just say no to sex, at least until you’re 30. (No telling whether there’s an exemption for members of Congress).

I know, I know, Iraq. Katrina. Health care. Social Security. Minimum Wage. Habeas corpus. Torture. Privacy rights.

Any and all of them should be reason enough to kick these clowns out of Washington.

But let’s face it, sex gets people’s attention, and for a simple, breath-taking example of over-bearing, self-righteous, intrusive, government over-reach, you really can’t do much better than funding abstinence only programs for unmarried adults.

By the way, where do you hold the classes? The party room at Applebee’s right before Happy Hour? Or maybe you recruit in the parking lot outside your local Speed Dating venue.

Your tax dollars at work, ladies and gentlemen. Now have you had enough?

Don't forget Naked Republicans, A Full Frontal Exposure of Right-Wing Hypocrisy and Greed.
Available wherever snarky but painfully true political observations are sold.