CONDI'S DIARY: "NOTHING YOU CAN SAY CAN'T MAKE ME TURN AWAY FROM MY GUYS"



Dear Diary,

What drama! First there was the awkward overshare when I was caught on an open mike saying “my Fox guys, I love every single one of them.” (It was almost as bad as the time I slipped and referred to the president as “my husb—“ at a cocktail party. Remember that one, Diary? Ugh!) Then there was the whole dust up with Barbara Boxer over my Family of One…me.

At first blush, the “Fox guys” gush made me sound a little trampy, I suppose, especially that “I love every single one of them” part, but let’s face it, Brit, and Gibby, and Billy O, and of course, my honey Hanny, they’re all so dreamy. And more than that, they are dependable and reliable—they are there for me whenever I need them. Unlike so many, many men I know. (Robert Novak, I’m looking at you).

Like Thursday, when we needed a good distraction from the steaming heap of warmed over crap we call the New Way Forward, or, whatever. There I was, getting hammered from both sides at a Senate Foreign Relations committee hearing. I had nothing—they just totally crushed me. But then, my Fox Guys rescued me. It was beautiful, the way they stirred up a feminist fracas over Senator Boxer’s remark that I wouldn’t have to personally pay the price for all of our war mistakes because I have no immediate family involved.

Just between you and me, Diary, I know that Boxer, who is the original Mean Girl on campus (remember how she called me a liar?) never did say that it was because I’m single and have no children, not even a Snowflake baby, to groom for the Perpetual War Machine. When she went on about who pays the price for our Glorious War, I thought it was annoying, but I didn’t take it personally. Not like when Laura Bush told People Magazine I wouldn’t run for president because I’m single.

Thank God the Fox guys and the ever-vigilant patriots of the blogosphere were there to leap into battle. They drummed up a fake war even faster than Karen Hughes and the White House Iraq Group did. And all for me, me, me.


Honestly, diary, it was exactly like the time cute but communist John Edwards mentioned that Mary Cheney is a lesbian during the VP debates, and Dick didn’t bat a lizardy eye about it until Karl and Lynne C. made it the PC crime of the century.

And to think that Rush Limbaugh would suddenly make a case for feminists! Tee hee! (Didn’t he coin the term “femi-nazis” to describe Hillary Clinton and others?) I might even be offended that he made it a thing about race if it weren’t so funny, coming from him. How many times has he made racist comments on his radio show?

Between you and me, Diary, I don’t need any of those hunky Fox blowhards to defend me. I’m smarter, better educated, and more powerful than all of them put together.

But we did need a distraction from what I was actually talking about (“It’s not an escalation, it’s an augmentation”—ouch.) And these guys gave me enough cover to get the hell out of town and over to the Middle East, where everybody hates us but at least they have good reason to.

Note to self, Diary: when we send soldiers into Iran, point out to Rosie O’Donnell that Donald Trump thought it was a good idea. That’ll give us cover for weeks.

G'nite Diary.
xoxo
Condi